Dear Musicals.Net Posters,

A local neighborhood woman named Thelma Marcus once told me about the three best costume-cleaning/ fitting tips in the world:

* Oxy-Clean is God...in the theatre industry!

* If a stain looks questionable, and/ or if it has a questionable odor that's not easily identifiable as being anything typical, THROW THE COSTUME OUT, because you never know where it's REALLY been!

* Whenever you're trying to look thinner, younger, etc., with regards to your character, use either color tricks or preperational, physical exercise, because hurting yourself, and/ or not being able to breathe WILL make the audience laugh at you...and NOT in a good way, either.

Thank you in advance for your replies.

AKA: Three tips every costume person with the most basic knowledge of theatre knows...lol.

Dear Frank Rizzo,

I'll thank you to avoid throwing truly professional theatre experts under the bus from now on. I will not be happy if I ever hear that poor THELMA ever saw what you said about her!

Furthermore, I believe that you ought to use your basic knowledge of life itself during the future, so that you might possess a better sense of basic discression.

Thank you in advance for your reply.

Kinda funny how you're acting like those three tips are these big "OMG, HUGE EYE OPENER" things, as if *no one* ever thought of them before.

No duh if a costume has a questionable stain you throw it out

No duh Oxy-Clean is able to clean even the most stubborn costumes

No duh certain color schemes and exercise will make you look younger.

I'm sure several dozen costume designers have come up with these conclusions long before Thelma did.

Dear Frank Rizzo,

Well, I'm certain that people have been having children for many centuries before you were born, too.

Does it really matter WHO first observed these observations, as long as the observations make sense?

Great Caesar's Ghost, do I hope that Thelma never, EVER reads any of these messages! She's got an online temper that makes rabid cats look like little puffball kittens! I will try to keep her away from this message thread, and, if I succeed, you'll have me to thank for saving your hiney!

Thank you in advance for your reply.

Oh yes, because quite frankly, I'm terrified of the temper of a woman who:

a) Probably doesn't exist

or

b) on the off chance she does exist, I'll never ever meet.

Go back to making up fake theater stories Duchess, as you pretty much flopped in this attempt to try and make these costume tips sound soooooo jaw dropping.